This has definitely ended up as one of the hardest days I’ve had.
Why? Because I’m inflicting on myself the thing that the military gets perverse joy doing to you: leaving a place you’ve come to call home. I freely admit there have been a ridiculous amount of going-away events for my departure, but each one made it clearer to me that I’m leaving. Tonight was the last event, and it was dinner at Outback, appropriately. Jeff, Susan, KD, Eric, Erin & Melissa all came out (to make sure I left?) to say goodbye, and it was a really good time. Lots of funny pictures that I don’t have the time or energy to download right now. Perhaps when I’m bored to tears in Omaha tomorrow night I’ll do that. Anyways, I really am tired of having to say goodbye to family which these amazing group of friends have become. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself. I probably could have stayed here and found a job. But… then I’d miss out an this opportunity in New York, and that’s where my schizophrenia kicks in. I know what I want yet I also know what I want. I want both. And the only child part of me can’t reconcile that I can’t have both. So I chose. And it’s a hard choice. A sad choice. A choice that requires me to leave my first house, a great part of the country, and the best group of friends I’ve had in a long time – and this is no disrespect to any of the other groups that I still have. It’s just that here, there were people in my same situation and who could go out and drink and I didn’t have to kind of worry about hanging out with. It was just easy and awesome and I don’t know if I’ll find that again. I know that for a few months, it will be tough. Hopefully having a roommate will help, but eventually I’ll have to find a circle… or hope to.
Anyways, I leave Tuesday morning for my first stop in the Omaha area. It’ll be a long drive but it’ll be the longest and then it’s over.
And oh yeah, my stuff is all gone now. Crazy. Liberating. I’m leaving. I…. am…. so….. fucking….. scared.