The Real Story
Update
May 31, 2007: Since that whole ordeal below, I've been through a bit. Me and Jeremy are really good friends now, but unfortunately I can't shake my crush for him. He doesn't convince me that he's straight. At all. If he would get a girlfriend, that would just make it so much damn easier. I could truly just give up. But the fact that he's even telling me that something is different in the dating world....well, you know what, it's probably becuase you're gay! Okay, that is just my wish. I think he may be leaving soon though to go back to Illinois, which while it would suck, it'll probably be for the best. I may even be leaving. Who knows?
The other big thing: I told Mom and Harv that I'm gay. They came out here the last weekend in April and I resolved to tell them...but nearly made myself sick from all the stress I gave myself. Finally, after going to Cripple Creek and then eating dinner at Chili's on Constitution, I came out. Not surprisingly, they were very supportive. Of course I cried. But it goes to show that they love me. Have I told my Dad and Pat yet? No. I don't even know if I can. I need to be honest with them. But he's such a right-winger that I just don't know if he'll accept it. Like Mom, I think he must already assume it.
I guess I just wanted to write out my thoughts right now. I'm feeling very sick so I don't know if it's due to that, but I'm getting so depressed. I am so tired of being alone. I want to just tell Jeremy my true feelings now, but I know that would severely dampen our friendship, and the last thing I need is to be even more alone. I really can't deal with it anymore. 10-15 years of loneliness is starting to build up on me. I don't even know who to go to because I know that they'd just think I'm being a baby. "All that you've got going for you..." and you're moping. Third-world country people have real problems. You're just sad cause you're pathetic. Thanks.
I don't even know what it'll be like come September. At that point, is everything going to get better? I'll suddenly have to enter the dating world. Great. So I can get rejected even more. Fantastic. Oh well. Maybe once I get some sleep, I'll feel better. And get over this nonsense.
Still Not Sure Though
March 11, 2007: So as the post titled #5 explained, I came out to Jeremy last Wednesday. And I didn't know what exactly to expect after that. It seemed it was going to go well based on his reaction at the time...and it has. Better than I ever would have expected, in fact. We've actually been hanging out far more than before and if anything, he's a lot closer to me than before. I kid you not. I expected to have a lot more neutral of a friendship, but seriously, he seems gayer to me than before. DAMMIT. We sat next to each other at 300, talked about good the bodies were...yeah, seriously. Then him knowing full well who I am, there's just been little comments here and there that make me wonder. Like today, we went hiking (hmmm...) in the Garden of the Gods (just me and him and Kahlua - if we were a couple, it couldn't have been better) - and I mention that I appreciated him letting me tag along on this trip - and he goes that he "is glad....really glad I was there". Yeah, me too dude. Anyways, I know a lot of this is also in my head and wishful thinking...still. I need to get the hell over him...but as Susan counseled me on Saturday, it's tough to get over a crush. We'll see. I'm not quite ready to give up the crush just yet - and with me having put myself way out there for him, I will just see.
#5
March 7, 2007: My 'epiphany' from Monday was processed yesterday - so I went from depressed to realizing that it was just time to admit to Jeremy that I'm gay. I tried to see if I could time it between his Key West trip and my Europe trip but alas, that didn't work out as there is no time in between. So in a bit of 'aw-fuck-it' bravado, I sent him a myspace message last night that I was hoping I could talk to him soon about something. I left it vague, as honestly, I still need to cover my ass in terms of any proof that could destroy me (well, my remaining AF career). After talking to Susan today at work, I realized that I could totally tell Jeremy sooner - it just happened that I decided today would be a great day to do it. And all through the afternoon, I was considering different tacts to take with telling him. And when I got home, I sent him a message saying if there was time today, I'd like to talk. He responded with an okay, and at 7:30pm tonight, I went over to hang out, play some games, and of course, tell him I was gay. I don't really remember how or what I said - it was along the lines of realizing that he is a really great friend and that I want to be totally honest with him as true friends have that kind of respect for each other. And after that, while my heart was still racing, we talked and it turns out that Jeremy truly is an awesome dude. He said he's completely cool with it and I believe him. I won't be hurt if there is any lingering awkwardness later on - I would expect it. But I think that we're friends for good now. And I couldn't be more happy with that result. Like I blathered on below somewhere, I want him around as a friend if nothing else. I just can't believe I've told him. It feels surreal. Jeremy is #5.
So I'm retarded and will learn one day
March 6, 2007: Last night sort of sucked. I know now that it will never happen with Jeremy. He's gay-like, but not. And the only person I can be upset with is me. What a bummer.
Alright, I really don't want the Jeremy story to end
March 4, 2007: Truly, I don't. Just look at the guy!
He is so goddamned cute. And my attraction to him is not even all physical - honestly, it's probably 30% of my attraction for him. It's his personality and attitude and overall good nature that has me falling for him like a freakin' girl. This weekend wasn't supposed to make it harder for me to get over him (implying that there was ever something to get over - yes, I am retarded). But it did.
So on Friday night I went over to Jeff's house and obviously Jeremy is there too. I didn't see him too much that time as most of the time was spent working on buying the Europe trip stuff - more accurately, making reservations for planes and hotels. I still have to get the London stuff done... anyways, I was pretty happy with myself - I saw him a little bit but it was tolerable and very much not involving at all.
So forward to Saturday afternoon. I decide to text Jeremy and see what his plans were that day - and he comes back texting that he was about to text me the same thing - him and Jeff are returning from a tour of the Mountain, and after getting Susan, they come and pick me up at my house so we're all riding around in Jeff's car. Just sitting back there with him made me happy. Truly, whenever I'm around him, I'm in a better place. No one does that for me, except him. Not even my previous 'major' crushes (Ryan and Jason) had this big an impact on me. Jason was the closest, but he really never gave me the 'possible' vibes I get from Jeremy. so where was I? We go to Lowe's and again we just hang out so easily (at least in my mind). Then it's off to Best Buy and he's all happy and giddy like me. He actually even flits in to the store - I kid you not. Yes, he was kidding around...but still, I don't think a straight guy would do that so convincingly. And while we're not together at the beginning of the Best Buy excursion, after the Wii thing happens, we're tied at the hip. Love it. He's even MY bag bitch this time. So when we get back to their place, it's lots of fun with the Wii. Then Jeff goes to dinner with Armstrong, so it's me, him and Susan who go out to dinner at Applebee's - which is a lot of fun. The three of us are pretty cool together. Then at the mall, it's fun. God, I'm so lame. I'm reading this all and I sound so freakin' stupid. At Starbucks in the mall while getting hot cocoa, Susan and I had a brief second away from him and I just tell her: "He needs to go away - it's killing me that he sends me signals that I'm sure I am misinterpreting". She validates my feelings and says that we are so cute together. I know. God, I know. If he actually were to go away though, that would kill me too. Well, actually, it would kill me only if I don't tell him my feelings.... But the good parts then: the mall closes and he and I are waiting for Susan out by her car. It's freezing, and I had just bought a warm sweat-shirt jacket from Old Navy - he compliments me and says that I look good in it. Dude, you are NOT allowed to tell me I look good unless you want my tongue down your throat. I'm not even kidding. I literally had to look away from him when he said that - I was totally looking down at the ground because if I made eye contact, he would definitely have known how gay I was for him (thanks Sarah Silverman show). Then back at the house, after Jeff returns and both Jeff and Susan go to sleep, I'm sort of hanging out still, presumably just so I can eventually crash on their couch. I get tired of the Wii and head in to Jeremy's living room area and see that he's on the phone - I immediately turn around and go back to the Jeff living room and read the manual for Supreme Commander. Jeremy comes in a few minutes later and earnestly wants to know what's up. I tell him I was just going to watch him play Rainbow Six: Vegas and he says that he's about to go to sleep. I'm like "Cool" and then he offers to take me home. I debate in front of him and say, yeah, that'd be good. He then quickly counters that it's not that he wants me to go home... At this point in my mind, the mixed signals I am receiving are making my brain fry. I still take him up on the offer though because I'm too big a coward to tell him my feelings at this point. Still. I guess I'm terrified of not the rejection but the possibility he'll try to fuck me over. I'm like 98% sure he wouldn't, but you never know. But there's no golden envelope anywhere with absolute truths waiting to be opened - I just need to do it. Back to the story. On the way home, it's kind of quiet, but not awkward. He pulls up in front of my house and turns off his car - I'm not sure if it's necessary to do that in order to open his trunk...but you know, maybe i'm a moron and he was doing everything in his power (except to come out and say something) to come on to me; He then asks if I need any help inside....jesus, I AM an idiot. What if he was coming on to me? Or what if I'm just reading a whole lot more into the actions of a very nice guy? You know, if I was a forward guy, when he asked me that question, I would have answered back that if he planned on coming inside, he wouldn't be going home till the morning.
Alas, that is the end of the Saturday story. Today I went over to KD's to help Susan and Jeff paint KD's bathroom and I tell them the above (in an abridged format - Jeff is okay with me being gay, but I don't want to blow his hetero-circuits just yet). Jeff tells me that when he got up this morning, him and Susan expected to see me downstairs on the couch. When I wasn't there, the first thought in Susan's mind was perhaps I was upstairs too, just in the other bedroom. I WISH. And then Jeff says that he would have immediately shouted and pointed at Jeremy "I KNEW you were gay!". Hilarious. Subtle? No. Funny? God yes.
So other things about Jeremy that make me think he's gay:
He calls his friends who are girls 'gal-pals'. WTF? Even I don't call
people that?
He seriously knows how to dress - body conscious and stylish.
He compliments me on how I look - not many straight guys do that kind
of thing.
He's going to Key West for a vacation - last I checked, Key West is a
HUGE gay mecca.
He likes many of the same things I do - including lots of female vocalists
and dance music.
I'm not the only one who thinks he's gay! Even when we went to the beerfest
thing last weekend, after he and I went to the next room, the whole group
wondered aloud if he was gay (I'm presuming they brought me up too, but
Jeff says they didn't)! And then that night after beerfest, it was just
the two of us and it was a blast (of what I remember, I was quite drunk).
Whenever there's more than just the two of us, we get along good, but
if we're left alone, we get along even better. Weird.
And the things that remind me he's probably still straight, or at the
least, bi-sexual:
He dates girls. Duh. But not that often though...
He has plenty of body hair. So do I, but I do my best to try to keep it
in check.
He talks about girls a lot - but maybe that is a front???? <fingers
crossed!>
I think he went on that booty call I talked about in the entry below.
Other than the dating girls part (unsuccessfully, it seems), that is it.
Enough of this Jeremy stuff, I want to talk about some of the hotties
I've seen lately:
Canadian Captain at the N2C2 Comm Working Group: Remind
me not to miss any of these meetings. I was at one two Fridays ago and
I got there early, so I took a seat against the wall with one seat between
me and a table and a whole slew of other chairs available. This hottie
walks in and has his pick of seats but chooses that one seat. And he is
truly beautiful. He reminds me of a dark-haired Paul Walker - yummalicious.
And at the end of the meeting he starts chatting with me and he has a
French accent. Amazing. Unfortunately he was wearing a wedding ring. Oh
well.
Jeremy: But that is obvious.
The Jeremy Story that needs to end
February 19, 2007: I freely admit I need to grow a pair and just get this over with - and what exactly is there to get over when there's actually 'nothing' to get over? Good question. I think it's mostly...actually, it's ALL in my head. I just need to hear him tell me it's never going to happen. When that happens, it is probably the thing I'll need to finally be free from this ridiculous obsession I have with love (Moulin Rouge reference there). But here's why it's been so difficult to just stop liking him: He is awesome. And we are so alike and click so naturally together it's ridiculous. Ridiculous! On Saturday night I went over to Jeff's house to watch movies. Jeremy and Susan were also there, so it was the cool little group all together again. Anyways, I tried my best to keep my cool and just deal with him like a cool acquaintance. But even then, that didn't happen - we all watched School for Scoundrels together, then afterwards the Sarah Silverman show came on and both Jeff and Susan went to sleep. Me and Jeremy continued watching TV, and it is obvious we both have the exact same sense of humor. While Jeff and Susan were put off by the show, we were dying. Then we watched Not Another Teen Movie on Comedy Central (uncut) and again, just were laughing and talking and having a great ol' time. Wonderful. It was odd for me though as during that time of the night, the commercials tend to get skanky with lots of ads for calling 'girls' and Girls Gone Wild - I can laugh my way through those, but when the ads for Guys Gone Wild came on, it became a little less funny for me... After that was done, I got the hell out of there and back home because I just needed to go.
Then on Sunday, we all went up to Denver. Had lunch in Castle Rock at Chili's, and there some stories were told about the girls who have thrown themselves at me - it's weird, I could probably get a LOT of girls if I wanted to. I don't seem to have a problem attracting them. It's just unfortunate I don't want them - hell, I wouldn't say I'm repulsed by girls, but I'm certainly never sexually aroused by them. Homosexuality is definitely a biological thing - NOT a choice. Anyways, those stories probably helped Jeremy feel comfortable around me, as the rest of the day, it was like we were tied at the hip - which I did NOT mind in the slightest. It was funny - at the end of lunch, Jeremy was talking about us laughing loud last night while watching the movies and he said out loud that he hoped we weren't too loud for both Susan and Jeff.....eeeek, that's a secret!!!! Regardless, KD and I had a great chuckle over that as KD and Eric know, but Susan and Jeff don't know that KD and Eric know, and Susan and Jeff don't know that Jeremy or I know that KD and Eric know...yes, this sounds like that one Friends episode. One day, it'll be all out and we all can go back to knowing nothing. But at the Cherry Creek mall, we all kind of split up - a decision made while I was in Waldenbooks. Well, Jeremy came in to say he was sticking with me - dude, you have no idea how bad I want that. We ended up still sticking with Melissa and Jeff, which was fun still. Susan unfortunately wanted to be by herself - she is miserable if she can't be normal around Jeff. Sucks. Jeff needs to knock this secrecy shit off. Throughout the shopping, there was just so many times it was just me and him talking, about the stores, things, life, etc. God, I Love Him. I think that a few of the clerks in Banana Republic and Abercrombie & Fitch thought we were together - which I didn't do anything to try to dissuade. But through it all, I think Jeremy was oblivious. Or maybe I was looking too easily into things. Ah well. Then at Dave & Buster's, where we went afterwards, it was the same - we hung out at the same things...I need to stop. He looks at me as a great friend - he probably suspects I'm gay, but doesn't care. Which is awesome of him, and what I'm counting on when I do tell him. At the end of the evening, we all went back to Jeff's to continue the party - Guitar Hero and DDR and drinks and pizza - yay! - and while nothing there really happened (except for a super cute picture of him and KD on the table beckoning to me), the last part before going to sleep was what killed me. I was laying on their couch going to sleep, when I heard him talking on the phone - I assume he thought both me and Jeff weren't listening. Earlier, I had accidentally opened his phone and saw that he got a text message from 'Amber'. Great. So that is who I'm assuming he was talking to, as he mentioned that 'it was just easier to talk than try to text message a whole conversation'. The conversation veered to him saying he could come over, but he'd probably just end up coming over to crash. And that's when my heart got ripped out and spit on. So I lay there on the couch, realizing that that was that. I got a little bit of peace, and tried to go to sleep, but unfortunately my bladder needed releasing before I could actually sleep. So I was going to wait until he actually left. I nodded off amazingly but got woken up by Jeremy - first I heard him lightly call my name, which I didn't respond to, but then he shook me a little. I couldn't fake it at that point so I gave him my attention. He wanted to know if I wanted to sleep in his room, as he was leaving to go to a buddy's house. ??? First, from the sound of the phone call and my interpretation, that sounded like a booty call. But would he say a 'buddy' to me if that was the case? Wouldn't he say that he was going to a girl's house, or joke around and say he was gonna 'get some'? I don't know. Also, who comes down to ask a friend if they want to sleep in their bed? I know I'm not gonna let Kyle, Adam, Tom or Jeff sleep in my bed, regardless if I'm there or not. That's what couches and spare rooms are for. So should I look further in to that statement? No, but it was perplexing nonetheless. I declined the offer, groggily, and went back to sleep.
The next day, I chuckled to myself while thinking about this question of his. That would have been a perfect opportunity to have come out to Jeremy AND come on to him at the same time! I totally could have said, "Only if you're in the bed too..." and let it go from there. But at the time, I was mostly in 'Dammit!' mode and not thinking about opportunities all that much. So that leaves me in the state I'm in today - unsure yet determined to get out my feelings and truth to Jeremy regardless of consequence. Guess we'll see how it goes, but I would love to be surprised, because as Susan told me, 'we look so damn cute together!'.
Holy Moly, it's been a while - and I think I'm in love
February 12, 2007: You know, I've really wanted to write in this particular page quite a bit in the time from the last entry about uber-hot Matt Shadwick. Goddamn still when I think about him it's...well, the guy was a hottie. Don't interact with him anymore, obviously, since PCS'ing to Colorado. But lots of fun pictures from the old days can jostle the memory just fine.
So what's with this headline? It's a crock of shit, and a crock of pathetic shit at that, but I just need to write about the last 6 months or so of my life, the real gay life that lives inside me (unfortunately, that's the only place it lives, for now). If you'll ever correlate this page and the other journal section I write, you'll see I had a pretty crappy October. Certainly, the things I listed in that entry contributed to my despising October 2006 - but the main event that REALLY made things unbearable that month, the iconic cherry on top, was my outing at the hands of Jeff Crepeau.
So you see, Jeff and Susan Ruby are/were/are having a relationship. It started Jan 2006; so all those things we all did together - yep, they were doing it. Finally in October 06 though, Susan moved out from Chad's and into Kelly Dean's house. Obviously, this was a stressful time for Susan and Jeff was desperate to do whatever he could to make sure she would work on getting through this. She wasn't talking to Jeff about things at the time (and let me tell you, that drama could fill a whole 'nother page), so he needed someone to be a concerned third party. He figured that could be me. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Susan's friendship, but I never thought we were super close. Good friends, yes, but not best friends, by a long shot. So one October night, Jeff is giving me a ride to American Furniture Warehouse to pick up my new office desk and the TechnoLava comforter set I had bought. On the way there, the conversation turns to this:
Jeff: So, I need to ask you something that I know I'm not supposed to
ask, but I have to do this because I basically need 'something' on you
in order to be able to tell you something. <pause> So....are you
gay?
Hobie: <stunned silence> <inner monologue: is this REALLY happening?
Can he truly be asking me this? Who the fuck does he think he is?>
Jeff: Lots of explanation as to why it's okay, that he never plans on
telling anyone, and that he asked because he wants to talk about the fact
that him and Susan are having an affair, which under UCMJ is a punishable
offense, much like being gay. So if we're both living under "Mutually
Assured Destruction", then we can be best friends.
Needless to say, I was a tad pissed. For about two weeks, I couldn't deal with the fact that he knew. Honestly, I never (at that time) said 'Yes' but my not saying 'No' obviously was an answer as well. Many emails and conversations later, I've realized that while that sucked at the time, having two friends who truly know ME and who I am, plus the fact that they support me and don't care who I am, was something I've needed for a long time. Mila and Sveta, obviously, also know, but with them being so far away and so far removed from my day-to-day concerns, it's different than having someone who truly can understand things I'm currently going through.
Why did I feel the need to write all this? Don't know. It's been bothering me to get it out of my system. I have a feeling it'll be a critical juncture in my life and one of those turning points for me. Hell, I already know that's the case. So since that's happened, me and Susan have talked a lot, about both our lives. I've tried to help her with things (don't know how effective I've been, but at least I'm listening) and she's totally cool with being my faghag (basically). Fun. Jeff's also very cool about this, and while I thought I'd never be able to deal with him normally again, it's so not the case. I'm even more normal around him. And he truly is one of my best friends. How weird to be able to say that.
So let's get to my current point. Jeff bought a house in November. He didn't want to be broke paying the mortgage, so he got a roommate. I met the roommate, and while he was attractive upon first meeting him, I really didn't have any sparks for him...then. But each subsequent time I'd hang out at Jeff's house, I'd get to know Jeremy a little better. And his personality traits became endearing. And he liked so many of the same things I did. He had an awesome dog. His sense of humor was amazing. And he was very cute. And Susan, Jeff and I all thought he was gay. Not that that's a bad thing. But it was just how he is... which is so lame sounding. I know I had started to suspect that, but when Susan told me that both her and Jeff thought the same thing, I was caught, hook, line and sinker. Throughout the next few months, we'd all hang out and have a blast. We would go hang out and shop, we went to see Mamma Mia (it was a chance for Jeremy to meet Melissa - don't know how that turned out, but I know that me and him had a great time chatting and then went for drinks afterward with Melissa to Jack Quinn's - he raved about how fun that night was), went to SnoFest, drove back to the Springs together and talked effortlessly for 2.5 hours alone... and after all of that good stuff, I know that while I'd love to ignore the obvious signs, he is indeed straight. He may be a more enlightened breeder, who has a sense of taste and style that most men should cultivate, but alas, it's not meant to be for me and him. I know I sound like a stalker - but I am not. I just really needed to type this shit out now, while I still have a 0.3% hope that he may indeed be gay. A strongly closeted gay, but a gay nonetheless. Because I plan to actually tell Jeremy about my feelings - not in an accusatory way, such as "You're gay, admit it!!!!" But rather, me being honest with him about who I am, what my feelings are, what I assume his orientation is, and the true fact that knowing 100% he's not available will close the book for me. Unrequited love is overrated, and I have no plan to be a part of it. But I will want to stay friends with him, because you don't often find people you can truly connect with. And having a great friend is worth a helluva lot to me. In my mind, this conversation goes smoothly, with him maybe getting a bit weirded out, but in the long run, realizing that he's better off having a gay friend than not. I sincerely hope and pray he can deal with me being gay. He's too amazing to lose altogether.
You have no idea how petrified I am of starting this conversation. How do I begin this? What if he flips out on me? What if he surprises me and confirms the 0.3% part of me that was hoping he felt feelings for me? I hate to let myself daydream that scenario, but God it's fun to do so. Not just the sex aspect, but having someone to truly love me back. I don't even know how I'd process that feeling. I haven't felt love back to me since high school. Fucking high school.
Okay, enough for now. Let's think of purely sexual things now. Let's
recall some hotties I've noticed recently:
SSgt Richardson: Damn, this guy is hot. He's got a weird
something-or-other about his eyes (I think one is slightly crooked), but
honestly, it makes him even cuter and the boy is fit. Yowza.
Unnamed CMD Navy Lt: I've seen him a few times throughout
CMAFS, whether it's at the gym (the man has some beautiful arms) or amazingly
on the bus inside quite a few times. He doesn't have a wedding ring, and
i get the (imagined) feeling he's not entirely ignoring me. Cute and sexy.
Definitely his example keeps me motivated to get back into better shape.
Dave Kinton: Yes, he's straight as all get-out, but then
again, maybe not? He's one of KD's friends, and frankly, I was mercilessly
mean about him before. He is quiet, and at the first Coors Brewery tour
we went on, he said like 4 words. So I made the reconciliation that he
sucked and was boring. My bad. I finally got to know him and he's a very
cool dude. And it doesn't hurt that he's adorable when he smiles and laughs.
Again, he's also in great shape. I need to get my ass into great shape
- I will not leave the AF a big fat slob!
I just snuck a glance at some of what I wrote below about people thinking I'm gay. I totally think it's not a secret anymore. Well, maybe that's not the right way to put it. I've talked about it with Jeff - and he bluntly told me that most people think I am anyways...and Don't Care. Obviously no one can do anything to me because they have no proof and further you can't ask or tell. But to hear that assessment is kind of nice. Because I think that my flight respects me, gay or not. Well, I should say that my old flight respects me...as I'm not longer the CC anymore. But to hear that even if I did decide to just blurt it out 1 Sep - not that many people will give a rats ass. Cool.
Shadwick goodness
June 5, 2005: Before I forget as I head to Alaska for two weeks, I just have to reconvey how fucking awesome and hot Matt Shadwick is. DAMN. Why does he have to be so freakin' straight? We like the same things, he's fucking hot, he's got droolalicious arms, and did I mention he's hot? Okay, I'm done, but I hate the fact that he's straight and enlisted. Or that I'm gay and an officer. Whatever.
More hot guys
June 1, 2005: Gotta write about these guys before I forget, but how could I, honestly? Anyways, this past Memorial Day weekend I went to Sam's Town after having barbecue goodness at the Schofields on Sunday night. I went to finally go play some craps, and I ended up going in a different door than normal, which is good, as I got to see quite the hottie rent-a-cop at Sam's Town. Yowza. I was heading to the banyo when I happened to notice someone staring at me (I know - for reals? I guess so - probably my freakiness or something) and I looked back and good thing I did. Wow. One of those guys around my height with dark blonde/light brown sexy hair, piercing eyes, and just overall dayum. I had actually been shocked to see such a goodlooking guy looking at me, and I of course immediately diverted my eyes and snuck in to the bathroom. His rentacop uniform only made it hotter, as he definitely wore it well. Then, at the craps table, this picture of Aryan goodness (Der Fuhrer would have been proud, I'm sure) was watching the game. He was absolutely gorgeous to behold, not too tall, but perfect bleach blonde hair, amazingly attractive face, and then what he was wearing was delicious (I know, could that be any more gay how I put it?). A white wife beater underneath an unbuttoned white shirt. The wife beater showed exactly how much this guy worked out. <drool> Fucker was tan too, and just overall perfect. What the hell was he doing here at Sam's Town? He was with this olderish guy, not attractive really, so I'm guessing either he was with family or he was an escort. I'm down for that - how much?
Been a while since I wrote here.
May 22, 2005: It sucks to be me. I have no self-confidence or courage to make a first move, even if it is very possible that the guy I'm lusting after may possibly be interested back. Take this afternoon. I was at Best Buy, and I wanted to see if they still had a dance section after adding that huge latin music section. How gay am I? Anyways, as I finally find it, there's this guy who is quite good looking but not overly so. I don't know how to properly describe it, but he was hot, but didn't dress too stylish, so he was probably a normal guy and not too uppity on himself. Perfect, in other words. And he's just studying the dance section, and I really wanted to go over there to find a CD, but I didn't want to come across as the ugly guy who's creeping others out. So instead I just visually stalked him from the other aisles in the music section. And I honestly (perhaps deludingly) think that he might, just might, have been receptive to me saying hello or something. I don't know. It's possible. But of course I don't, because who knows if he was just a confused straight guy looking for the Macarena on CD? What if he was in the military? What if? What if? What if? This is really going to kill me. I can't end up alone, but I can't be a fucking chicken everytime I see what I want. Sometime I'm just going to have to deal with the very likely reality of rejection, but I've got to at least try. If he's not gay, then I politely excuse myself, and leave. If he is and doesn't trash me, perhaps something will happen. Anyways, as I went to the check out cashier, he followed about a minute later. When I was at the actual register, I looked up at him and he was looking back at me too, through the gratings. I almost wet myself. How sad. But of course I did nothing but look away quickly and pay for my stuff and go to my car, to end up going home to my lonely existence. This sucks. Since I have decided to finally come back to this page, I might as well write about other stuff. It may feel even better. So, here's a new way to talk about things as well.
The Hottie Update:
Guys at Boulder Station playing craps: There were a
couple interesting ones. One guy in the corner was very good looking and
not a bad shooter. But didn't have much of a personality there. The one
guy on the other side of the dealer from me had a personality and was
good to look at, but not Cosmopolitan guy hot (which I just discovered
before writing here - they have some HOTTTTTT guys on their website. Yowza.).
He smiled and laughed a few times with me, but alas, he left after losing
a little bit. One day I'll jsut have to ask one of these guys if they
want to have a drink or something.
Guy at the UoP graduation: Another guy who was there
without buddies like me. At least before I found some, but we were both
walking in alone along with the masses. And he was military hot, with
strawberry blonde close cropped hair. So obviously military, but nevertheless
seemingly waiting to be talked to. What I think the problem is is that
these guys I'm attracted to may be in the same circumstance I'm in - we're
both waiting for the other to make a move. I just don't want to come across
as a creep or queen. I'm not either, but I'm so petrified of rejection
and discovery that I can't make a move either way.
The reappearance of Matt Shadwick: Goddamn this guy is
hot. He's back out here to help us out at work while SSgt Fox is back
at Edwards. Not only is Matt extremely good looking, but his personality
is almost (almost is the key word) a perfect match for me. But it is definitely
only a match in terms of friendship, which is cool, but also not. First,
why couldn't he be possibly gay so that my fantasies could have some semblance
of possibility? But alas, he's hardcore straight. I hate having crushes
on straight guys. And then in terms of friendship, well, I'm not really
allowed to be friends with the enlisted. I get away with it with Schofield
because he's a SNCO, I think, and frankly I just don't care because I
need a friend. But Shadwick is only a SSgt, and while at work we can joke
and talk, I hesitate to get too friendly with him. I don't get friendly
with Pony outside of work, so I probably shouldn't with him. But we have
such similar tastes in stuff and we play the same video games and like
a lot of the same movies.... It sucks to find someone so like you and
you can't really be friends or lovers. I hate the fucking military.
Jason Rubi: I guess I should update the fact that Jason
is currently on his way to being single after him and Wendy are getting
a divorce. They're divorcing because she's in love with JJ and can't imagine
life without him. Jason and Ilyne were also fucking, but Jason isn't in
love with Ilyne, although she is with him. Anyways, he's moving on. But
you should have seen me when I got the message on my cell phone telling
me he had something really important to tell me. I was wishing and hoping
and praying that the message was that he discovered he was gay and wanted
to see me immediately because he knew I was. But then I snapped out of
it and thought it could be that him and Wendy were pregnant. I didn't
really think it would be that him and Wen were going to split up. But
he's PCSing to Alaska this June, and I'm going up with him to keep him
company on the journey up there. I am fairly certain absolutely nothing
between us will happen, although I certainly wouldn't stop him from taking
advantage of me one drunken night as he sometimes likes to do. Nope, I'm
past trying to act that way. If we indulge in too much alcohol, so be
it. We are going to have two weeks together. I'll report any findings
if there are any.
Brian Hoying: You know, I just saw him again at the UoP
graduation. And damn he has gotten hotter. He has cut his hair, and frankly,
he's almost perfect now. Hot, and extremely intelligent. He was definitely
my favorite professor while at the UoP, and seeing him again got me all
excited. I always felt like he cared about me, but I think that's just
his personality as everyone liked Brian. I almost didn't recognize him
as I was walking out of the Orleans Arena after the graduation, and he
walked past me and said congratulations again. I should have just kissed
him right then and there. ;-)
I guess that's really it, or at least what I can remember. Obviously I lust after many many men that I see, especially on base and in this town. Some of these military guys are just so damn hot. I mean, seriously. That is really one of the only aspects I'd consider if staying in the military - just the eye candy alone. But I know that if I didn't eventually marry up, there would be a lot of harmful talk by others, as it isn't 'normal' for a senior captain or major to be unmarried. Which makes me wonder - I think Maj Gerken might actually be gay. But he's got too many annoying traits that I"m not interested. You know, I've gotta think that people consider me gay. Me and Schofield joke about it a lot, calling each other gayer than the gay, but when actual conversation comes up about it and I'm involved in the conversation, people can get downright brutal about gays right in front of me. Now if I thought something of someone yet I didn't want to let on that I thought that, I certainly wouldn't inflame the thoughts in front of them. So bashing gays or saying how disgusting it is in front of me really makes me think that these people think I'm straight. Are they really that clueless? Or am I that good of an actor? I am almost positive my mom has got to know, even if she doesn't want to consciously think it. Hello - no girlfriend or wife and I'm 28? Yeah, probably a big red bus that I'm not quite straight. I just don't want to say anything confirming it to anyone till I'm out of the military. I'll be damned if I'm going to get dishonorably discharged for that nonsense.
What's kinda scary yet interesting to contemplate will be how many friends will turn away from me. I am almost certain Jenn Tittel would, especially the way she reacts when homosexuality is brought up. Robbie and Co. is a possibility too. He's pretty religious and I think would be disgusted by it. My high school friends obviously don't care, and I don't think Roni would either. Mom - I'm pretty sure she'd get over it eventually. Byron? His brother's gay, so I think he'd be okay. The Schofields..? Well, Cheryl already thinks I am. But again, I think it would be okay. I think my family would for the most part not give a shit, as we're really not that religious so there would be no 'abomonation of God' drama, I think. As for my dad, I'm pretty sure he'd be disappointed. Like my Mom, I think there'd be initial discomfort for a while, but after that, he'd realize he doesn't see me all that much anyways, so why does it matter? I just know that getting it off my chest will feel fucking wonderful. I feel like I've aged too much already keeping it hidden.
Okay, I'm done. I think I do want to keep a hottie journal. I'll have to start a stalking photo collection too. Just kidding of course, but I'll post pics of those that deserve special mention.
Further developments
January 6, 2005: Really nothing happening on the love front, but I do have some updates. First, I officially came out to Mila on Christmas night when we went out to the club with Rena and Angie. I knew she had been waiting for me to tell her, and I just figured why not tell her in a dance club? Of course, Mila being one of the coolest girls ever, was supportive. We ended up chatting outside for a while near the end of the night, and it was just great to talk about it. I lover her and Sveta so much. Now if I could just live my life the way I want to.
So, some hot guy news: we have a guy in TDY from Eglin, and hoo boy, he is a complete hottie. A little bit taller than me, nice black hair, and a killer face with a smile that makes me smile every time I see him. Too bad he's all of the following: Married; Has a child on the way; a SSgt. I bet I could make it work though. Matt Chadwick is unbelievably hot, and we get to keep him until the end of the month. C'mon, Matt, I even told you today, What Goes TDY, stays TDY!!!
Matt's been one of the more recent highlights in gaydom, at least for me. I obviously don't have anyone in my life now, just as it was in November. I am friggin pathetic. I have considered telling Sgt Jenny when she separates. I don't know why, but I have a feeling she's going to ask me after she's officially out of the military. I think I will be honest, but the fact that she is still with Jason, who is still in the military, makes me doubt my certainty and think I should still keep my cards close for the time being.
So I've been working out, somewhat more regularly, and honestly, I think I'm making some progress. If I could just lose some more fat, get rid of this freakin' body hair that drives me nuts, I would be a lot more comfortable with myself. I know that I am succumbing to that damn 'perfect' image that the media and popular culture idolize, but damn, how can you not want to look good? I want to look good. My head and hair and face are detractors, but if you have a good body, that can go a long way towards forgiving the ugliness that is there. At least that's the way my twisted mind thinks.
Anyways, back to work tomorrow, back to sneaking glances at Matt, and maybe I'll get up on time tomorrow? Doubtful.
I Actually Came OUT to someone
November 30, 2004: I need to be able to get this out of my system, and since I have no person here in Vegas as an outlet, well, the laptop will have to suffice. Obviously, the title of this entry has clued you into the fact that I'm gay. It's weird just typing it. Because while I'm typing, I'm saying it in my head, and it feels like a relief to just see it. And I've known for so damn long. I have had crushes on nearly every close male friend I've had as a teenager and older. Not EVERY one, for chrissakes, but quite a few. You know, if I'm already writing this, I may as well talk about that too.
Ryan: Yeah, I fell hard for Ryan. Not like at first sight, because when I first met him, he was so quiet I didn't know him. But after starting to talk to him and having him work out with me and Bertha during my 2nd year of college, I became extremely close to him. It obviously became a great friendship for both of us, but you know what, I sensed that he loved me in 'that' way as well. Needless to say, nothing ever came of it, even though I could have done the whole taking advantage of the drunk roommate thing many times. I didn't. And he's definitely not gay. He's married now, and the last time I saw him, I definitely have no feelings like that anymore for him. He is truly just a good friend.
Jason: Where do I go with this one? Geez, I still love this guy. Strike One: He's Married. Strike Two: He's Married to a wonderful friend. Strike Three: I'm fairly certain he's 95% straight and 5% gay. And that 5% confuses the hell out of me. I want him bad. I mean really really bad. He is such an awesome guy, from how he looks, which only became an issue after I got to know him better, to just his amazing personality. We click. Our interests are the same. Our humor is the same. We're the same size. It's perfect. Maybe not perfect, but it's overwhelmingly good. And when he gets really drunk (I guess this isn't a great way to start a sentence about someone you hope likes you, but so be it), he seriously comes onto me. Not just verbally either, but physically. Are they just jokes? Who knows? But I like it, even though I have to pretend I don't. God. I love it. It takes everything I am to try to keep from reciprocating. It'll never happen though. I'm a fantastically large loser.
Those are the two main guys I've ever been in love with. There's endless amounts of guys I've noticed in which I just have to say Damn. That fucker is hot. HOT. Like the guy who was in the London production of Mamma Mia. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Motherfucker was gorgeous. And best of all, he was staring at me the entire time he was on stage. I am not imagining this. I was 3rd row center and it's hard to not see what is in front of your face. Alan was sitting right next to me, so it was a little hard to mouth "I'll meet you backstage!". Alan's another one I'm attracted to in some way. He's another one who's very similar to me, pretty cute, and kinda dorky, which is a plus. His brother though: geez, he's a freakin' hottie. Anyways.....
Wasn't there a point to this? I don't feel like going down (sts) every single gay thing I've ever thought. I thought it would be just a good idea to start out a journal now that I've actually come out to a friend. Why now? I don't know. Before Thanksgiving weekend, I got it in my head that I had to tell someone. I think it was those damn gay movies I saw the week before, Latter Days and Trick. They were both such beautiful and wonderful movies. Not gay pornos, which are just as nice, in other ways from these, which were actual movies. They made me realize that I'm not getting any younger and I can't go on living like this anymore. I can't. My life is for me to live. I can't live for anyone else's happiness, or else I'll die miserable. The whole military thing kinda ruins everything though. Especially now that I'm getting deployed. What the hell am I supposed to do? Seriously? But that's another post for a later day. Let's get back to the whole coming out thing.
So my high school reunion was this past weekend on the day after thanksgiving. I went with Sveta, Mila and Sarah Bridges. It was an awesome night, seriously. I got pretty drunk, and at one point I was just sitting on a couch chilling. Sveta came over and said, "How's the girl situation?". She's asked me this millions of times, but this time, I just looked at her and smiled. She immediately knew what I was smiling about. I was so happy to have her to talk to, as I knew that it would be Sveta first. Sveta always has been very forthright about her opinions, and I knew that of all people, she'd know and understand. And she did. We talked about it, at the reunion, and I kinda got all blubbery and lost it like a fucking fairy (swear to God), but I maintained most of my fabulous composure in the end. It was more tears of relief than anything. I mean, it felt like a freakin' weight had been lifted. I've been so damn miserable hoping that nobody would ask, when all I really want is someone to actually care. My Mom doesn't seem to give a shit. She's actually said, many many times, that she'd much rather live in a fantasy world than actually know what's going on. Great. And my Dad, I don't even know if he'd care. I think that from the outside, one would think it would be the opposite. But I honestly believe my Mom will freak out on me when she does eventually find out. And that my Dad won't really care. Hell, I only see him once (or twice, if lucky) a year anyways. So what if it goes down to never? Honestly. How sad is this? Where the hell did this pity party come from?
Remember, I'm making progress. I need to tell Mila and Roni next. But beyond that, I don't know. I obviously can't be completely out, as I still am in the military. And now that my school completion has been delayed, I think I'm going to be stuck in the military even longer now. This fucking sucks. I need out. I don't care about the security I could have with a military pension. I'm not going to be 42 and retire so I can finally have a boyfriend. Fuck that. I want to be happy now. You know what though, I have a feeling almost everybody I know will not be surprised to find out. It's not as if I've been living a charade or something. No steady girlfriends, no casual dating stories, and everyone knows this. They either think I'm a total loser, or that I'm gay. Well, they'd be right.
It felt good to start this real journal. It'll be nice to reflect one time in the future when I don't have these concerns anymore.
Shoot me an email if you want to.
I may respond. (okay, you know I will - what else have I got to do?)