A week or so ago, I had a really vivid dream with Larry in it. We were on a porch of some cabin-like building, sitting on the steps leading to it. We were deep in conversation with Olivia Newton John, who was delighted with us and we were delighted with her. The subject of her songs came up (as it would if you were talking to ONJ) and we told her how much we loved her song, “Magic,” from the movie Xanadu. It’s a truly wonderful song, created by the always fabulous ELO.
It’s a cheesy song for sure, but this dream was beautiful as she was belting it out and Larry and I were eating it up, and joining in of course. Then I woke up. Here is a performance of “Xanadu” too, which is another fantastic dreamy song and including it just because it’s awesome.
I guess all I can hope for is to have these periodic dreams. I know that doing stuff like cooking or running or watching shows Larry loved help make it feel like he’s here with me, but it also just makes me even more sad while also being not sad. It’s just so fucking awful. I have a picture of us on my desk and his smile just lights up the world. And he’s dead. I watch his shows and see things that I wish we could talk or kvetch about, and no, that’s right, I’m alone. I had my lucky chance, and it’s now over.
Today I watched the 1999 movie Trick, which was one of the first gay movies I saw that I personally felt was slightly realistic, if “realistic” means that a beautiful young 20-something encounters a gorgeous 20-something go-go boy and something more develops over the course of a night when the original intent was just to hook up. It’s a funny fucking movie, lots of great moments (and plenty of hot club guys to gawk at), and the two leads are just adorable. But the way they fall in love resonated so much with me as a lonely in-the-closet gay in 2005 (when I saw the movie finally, purchased on Amazon) and gave me such hope about what might happen for me. Then I went to NYC and it fucking happened. I did fall in love with a guy and honestly I can tell you I fell in love with Larry that first night. Some times these things happen.
I watch the movie again, now widowed from that same magical man, and I don’t have that lonely hope anymore. I’m just lonely and resigned to the fact that to hope for that again is foolish. I don’t know what I’m entitled or lucky enough to hope for in the future, but I just want to somehow learn how to not be as sad. That maybe knowing I did have that love for 11 years was and is enough and to be content. But all I feel at the moment is loss and grief.