Reading one’s own thoughts/rants from a few years ago can be awfully entertaining.
I was looking at my uber-Rant from Nellis AFB in 2004. If any of you remember, it was the one I actually went to the trouble of password-protecting because I just went OFF. And when I first started to read it, I tried to remember what the issue was – and I couldn’t. But then I started reading it and not surprisingly, I got PISSED OFF again. At those people. At myself. At the things I should have said and could have said. Why did I get mad again? Literally, that’s been almost 2 and a half years ago when all that shit went down. But it’s just the fact that there are so many things that I guess I wish I had done differently. That’s potentially the curse of having kept this website going for so long – if I choose to, I can go back and see, in gory detail, some of those things that took me to really low places. And then re-examine them. For better or for worse. What pisses me off also is that I make the same mistakes it seems. I’m a relatively smart man – you’d think I’d have learned a few lessons or so. It just seems that some of the important lessons I continue to forget.
Example: From growing up, I have learned to keep my mouth shut. Even when I want to say lots and lots, I had one incident I’ll never forget that to this day reminds me that my true opinions of things are better left unsaid. And while I’m certainly not one to not say anything, to say that my true words have come out ‘unfiltered’ at any time since that incident would be a straight-up lie. I honestly don’t know the last time I’ve ever not censored my thoughts. I’ve learned in the interim how to craft my sentences and words in such a way so I don’t come across as the raging asshole I really am. Instead, I make you sound like a raging asshole. And it makes me happy. But the counter-lesson to this is that I think I’ve had enough of not saying the utter truth of what needs to be said. There are so many people’s feelings out there in the world that have been spared because of what I chose not to say. Perhaps I’ve kept a lot more of my friends and family because of it – but I think there’s also times, especially now, when what I want to really say would probably help things in the long run. Oh geez, I’m rambling now. I certainly didn’t say I have learned to ‘edit’ myself, did I?
Today was my first day of not being the straight-up Flight CC. I didn’t like it. Sure, I was able to play the affable Hobie Barnes, but frankly, I am fucking done with the Air Force. 200 more days? Fucking stab a pencil in my eye. Going back to what I said above, there’s SOOOOO much I just want to say…. and can’t.
Alright, I need to tighten the filter some more. I think I got set off by the events of the day and night, going back and reading that rant of mine, and just overall realizing I want to just be me. I’m tired of the censored me. He’s boring. And he talks about himself in the third-person, and that is just obnoxious.
Well, it’s 200 days left. Whooptie-freaking-doo! 🙂 I am stoked there’s a 4-day weekend coming up – tentatively, there’s plans to go back to Keystone for a day of skiing on Friday, and then also going to the Coors Brewery on Sunday. The rest of the time? Who knows, who cares?