February 2005

Verdict: Satisfactory!

February 24, 2005: Yes, our security inspection resulted in a Satisfactory mark, which is better than Unsatisfactory and Marginal but not as good as Excellent, which no one gets. So we're happy, and it seems the work was all worth it. But now we're all just so damn tired. I am taking Monday off, and while I briefly considered buying a last-minute flight to some place for this weekend just to get the hell out of dodge, I decided just to stay home and relax. Maybe I'll do something fun local. Like play craps, which has been good to me lately. I won $50 last week, and I've been having decent rolls lately. So Friday night, you'll find me at Sam's Town, booyah!

I hope that finally my schedule can settle down. Since I've been told I can't manage my own time, I guess I'll just wait to see what tasks I get to tackle as next week begins. I am very sarcastic in this last sentence. I'm just appalled I am not trustworthy enough to figure out what's important. So while my stress level has dramatically dropped due to the successful resolution of the inspection, I'm still VERY annoyed. C'est la vie though. At least I've got good coworkers and friends here.

I also heard from my friend Jason that he's getting PCS'd to Alaska, Elmendorf AFB in Anchorage, to be specific. I so want to go there too. I had put Alaska in my dream sheet. I'm really hoping that I can get up there too. It would be fantastic to be close to good friends again. So Alaska or Texas, my fingers are crossed. No whammies, no whammies......

Well, I'm ready to go to sleep. I've been reading a fascinating take on the children of Henry VIII (called 'The Children of Henry VII', by Alison Weir), who include Edward VI, Queen Mary (aka Bloody Mary), Queen Elizabeth (who I've always been fascinated with), and the Lady Jane Grey, who is an extremely tragic figure. Talk about an amazing set of siblings and cousins. After this I have a book by the same author just on the life of Elizabeth I. All this history makes me want to revisit London again. Perhaps in the fall again, like the last time I went.
What's New? My Episode 2 page for Survivor: Palau. Stay Tuned for an additional TV page to come up soon for The Amazing Race 7!!!!

Off the edge

February 18, 2005: For now. I'm still seriously pissed about the situation, but I'm definitely not in the 'place' I was in on Tuesday. Ugh. I hate being like that, but when things are just so overwhelming....well, you may or may not understand. But as of now, I'm in a decent place. Not my happy place by a long shot, but a decent place. I got to go home while the sun was still up (okay, it was cloudy and rainy, but at least it was light-ish outside), I just worked on my new Survivor section and I think it looks good, I got to Watch Survivor last night, and while I'm really only going to enjoy Saturday off during this three-day weekend, it's still a three-day weekend, so yay!!! The other days I'll be spending at work finalizing things and hoping to be ready for the inspection. We'll see how that goes, eh? I'm sure I'll update the site.

Thanks for the thoughts via email from those out there who know who they are. It meant a lot. I hate that it gets like this, I really do. I'd much rather be the happy guy I used to be, but I just don't see that happening for a while until things change. Today's events definitely didn't signal a happy change in the future and only makes me dread the future even more, but what the hell, that's in the future. Today, I can drink and go play craps and forget about this mess. Yay!

So, don't worry about me, I have been getting through this shit for the past year and a half, I'm sure I can last one more year. I may even not get fired. Here's hoping! As long as I can vent on my website, I'm cool. And geting happy feedback from you guys makes things always better. So again, thanks!
What's New? My Survivor page, stupid-head! Also, I have been lazy in updating my DVD page. I passed 400, did ya know?

So on the edge it's not even funny

February 15, 2005: I am so seriously tired of people thinking that it's alright to call me out to everyone who will listen. I've had it. The tolerant-Hobie who would go out of his way to help you out because he was a nice guy was just gutted by a rusty nail called bitterness. (Keep in mind the 'you' I refer to above is not friends or family - just these fuckheads I work 'for'/'with'/'alongside'/'as a slave for') I'm done with this bullshit of getting stabbed in the back just because I didn't leap as high as was expected. I know none of the people reading this really give a shit, as it is getting quite redundant, but if I don't spout and vent here, I'll ensure that an ulcer develops and who wants that, really. I just am so tired. I just worked a 12-hour day to try to catch up, but the shithose just cranked it up a notch with even more work on its way. Seriously, can we catch a break, just once? As 'Captain Barnes', I honestly think we have a shot at passing the inspection. But as just Hobie, I don't think there's a chance in hell we're going to pass. We just don't have the time because we're too busy being workgroup managers. And if I hear again from the higher-ups about how we're not workgroup managers, I'm going to scream. Then who the hell is going to be? We have been fighting so many fires now and a volcano just exploded in the midst of the forest fire. It's ridiculous. Timing couldn't be worse on some things. Literally, if I survive this month, I am going to pass out. Or I would, but the sheer volume of work waiting for me and my office is unreal. And then we will be losing some of the temporary help we've had too. Fucking wonderful.

So do you remember when I had my 'Samurai' moment? BS. I remember having a "One Day at a Time" feeling too. Complete crap. The only light I see at the end of this shitfilled tunnel is me getting fired. So here's hoping! Please please please get me out of this wretched place. I hate my job with a passion. My 'life' is pathetic. I don't even have time to 'escape' with video games and DVDs that much anymore. March has to be a better month. It has to be.

Oh, I guess Survivor is something to look forward to. Thought I'd leave you on a happy note.

Burned Out but Still Here

February 13, 2005: It's been quite a trying week and a half. I had a talk with the actual 53 CSS commander when he was out here from Eglin, as we were having an officer developmental talk. I wished I had had the chutzpah to have told him right then and there that he needn't have bothered. But since he's the commander and all, I humored him. About twenty minutes in, he finally lets me speak after he's finished his spiel about what I need to do to round out my 'career'. I plainly told him that I have no clear and decisive gameplan because in 2007 I will be getting out and don't really care about where I end up in the Air Force. To his credit, he handled my bluntness very well and had a good response. I don't really know what he said anymore, but I do remember I let him know what I thought was wrong. And then he said something which almost completely crystallized exactly how I felt but couldn't quite say myself. He had heard a sociologist on the radio (or something), and they had described what 'burned out' actually means: it's not that there's too much work or that the work is overwhelming, it is when the work gets no recognition or worse, seems to have absolutely no value to anyone. And that's it for me. I'm so freakin' tired of bending over backwards, dealing with immense shit, staying late, having mini-nervous breakdowns, and at the end of the day, each and every fucking day, my boss, my superiors, the people I have to help, every single one of them acts as if I faithfully stick my thumb all the way up my ass for 9 hours every day. They decide to threaten me with going to the Sq/CC every time I haven't bent completely over backwards (to the point where I could make a living in the circus), at least in their mind. I get crap from my boss because he has absolutely no idea what my priorities here, even when I make it crystal clear what I'm involved in. I have an inspection coming up, in one week now, and he was wanting to send me to EPR/OPR training, which would last for half a day on Monday. The week before my inspection. I politely reminded him of this, and then he reminded me I wasn't seeing the big picture. If only he could have seen the big picture I was sending his way in my mind. So last week I had my mini-nervous breakdown, but I am quite alright now. The inspection will come and go, I think I'll pass, and then the firehose of shit can continue, well, I should say accurately, the firehose can continue shitting on me unabated.

So even though I vowed to not let work get me down, it's still extremely tough to fight against feeling angry.

Anyways, I got to see Mom and Harv yesterday as they were up for their 20th wedding anniversary. We went over to the Paris Steakhouse, which has an amazing menu. Mary and JC were also up for the event. Great food, great times. Afterwards, JC and I played craps, and I had quite a few good rolls, one especially good one. There were people there actually playing with about $15K (lots of $500 chips). Unreal. I ended up winning $40 when all was said and done, although I was up about $200. Oh well, at least I didn't lose it all, like the $15K guy. Sad.

So now I've updated the site, and that's that. Not exactly entertaining to those who've waited 10 whole days for this, eh?
What's New? Besides my disdain for my job, my Survivor preshow page is up. Yep, the Survivor page institution has returned to take on Season 10 in Palau.

A much-needed day away from work

February 3, 2005: I bet you want the goodies. Bet you thought about em. Got you all hot and bothered, because I talk about em. Keep on looking, because they stay in the jar. Word, sister. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you've obviously never heard the song "Goodies", possibly the biggest hip hop song from this past summer/fall. I know I couldn't avoid it at all when I was at SOS, and it still gets played a lot. For a reason: it's a damn good song! Anyways, that wasn't my point at all, but the song came on and I just started typing away.

So what's up with all you people out there? I've heard some crappy news from my favorite foul-mouthed redhead (Robbie's term), and to her, please hang in there. The light at the end of the tunnel (getting out of the Air Force) is within your grasp. Just don't kill anyone. To keep me from going postal, I took the day off today. Actually, I am nowhere near postal (a month ago - maybe), but I did need the day off as the end of my class is Saturday and two 10-page+ papers are due. I REALLY didn't want to do them today either, but since I took the day off, I did them. They of course turned out excellent. If they're not published in some literary journal by year's end, I don't know what the hell is wrong with this country. After this Saturday, I've got only ONE MORE CLASS to go!!!! Then I'll be officially a Master of something. {Insert your snide comment here}. I also got my car washed and waxed. You know, when Catherine gets all clean and shiny, I have no idea why I want to sell or upgrade to a Passat. My little Jetta is a thing to behold when she's clean. Black cars are like that.

I had no idea I would get such a response (okay, well, any response) from my idea of taking a trip to NYC. That totally rules. I am so stoked to go on a trip now, and then Robbie brings up a Coaster Trip, Part Deux. HELLS YEAH! So here's a crazy idea: How about combining the two trips together? For those that are interested in doing both parts, you'd fly up to Sandusky or Cleveland, Ohio, and partake in some Cedar Point goodness. Then we'd drive the rental car across the state to Pennsylvania and then go to Six Flags Great America or whatever it is, have more coaster fun, then perhaps drive to the granddaddy of all parks, Coney Island. And what is Coney Island near? New York City? We'd return the rental car to some agency in New Jersey at this point, take the train in to the city and a hotel, and let the New York City trip begin. Those who don't want to go to NYC fly home at this point, and those who don't want to do coasters would fly in at this point. I don't know, it sounds like a lot of planning and organization, but imagine the trip!!! Too ambitious perhaps, but that hasn't stopped me from taking a train trip for two weeks thru Europe, a weeklong road trip from Texas to Ohio and back, or jumping out of a plane. Uh, yeah! Now that I've thrown that out there, are there any other suggestions or itineraries? Or is everybody else gonna wuss out and leave me to do this on my own?

I'm okay, I'm okay! Seriously.

February 1, 2005: So after that last entry where I learned to let go of the shit, I think I was pretty much tapped out in terms of what to write next. And also my life has been pretty damned boring lately, so there really hasn't been much to write about. I have been adhering to my strategy, and I'm not consumed by the job stuff any more, but I do have lots of anger still towards my job. There's just such an amazing amount of stupidness and retardedness here in this squadron that I just can't believe some of the things that happen. But enough about that, it hasn't consumed me anymore because I don't let it. It's just tres annoying.

Like I said though, my life has been pretty boring otherwise. I went out last week and played craps on a school night, utterly regretting it the next day at work as I was tired and a complete jerk. When I'm tired, I automatically lose half my patience so anything that typically doesn't bother me that much, because my defenses are up, will now bother me. So I had a bad Thursday.

And now I'm typing here, thinking of stuff I could type to make people laugh or something, but I just don't have the motivation to. I am excited about hearing that the Kellys will be out my way in a month or so. And I love reading my friends' sites, especially hearing how Robbie gave mad props to Michancy. So I'm sleepy, and it's time to sign off soon. I do want to say Happy Anniversary to my Mom and Harv - it's their 20th anniversary tomorrow. They're coming up to Vegas in a few weeks, so that should be fun. And I think I know where I want to go for my next trip: Get this, it's not even out of the country, it's New York City. I haven't been there since when I went with my dad when I was 12 or something. I would like to go there now as an adult, see Ground Zero (I was able to go to the top of the World Trade Center tower that trip when I was 12 - weird to think about it), see Central Park, all that stuff. Anybody else want to go? Let's plan something people! And with that, I'm done for the evening. Stay classy, San Diego.

Shoot me an email if you want to. I may respond. (okay, you know I will - what else have I got to do?)